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Dear Diary
Since the diagnosis my life has been much like watching a movie with me as the leading actor.
As with most movies, the plot is sometimes lost and the ending is not at all what I had hoped for, but still, I find myself sitting through it, however drawn-out and boring, hoping for a happily ever after conclusion for the main character.
Even happy endings are not always about the lead actor riding off into the sunset. Sometimes even the most morbid ending can be a happy one and, depending on how the life of the lead actor was scripted, death could be a joyous release.
So, after getting the results for my CD4 count and viral load back from my doctor, I find myself depressed, although the results should be cause for celebration.
They show that my CD4 count is up from the 175 before I started the antiretroviral treatment six months ago, to 585 at present.
The viral load is undetectable and my doctor has taken me off Purback, which helps to fight opportunistic infections.
Normal CD4 counts in adults range from 500 to 1,500 cells per cubic millilitre of blood. This means that I am "normal" again and have been given a new lease on life. Funny then that I don't see it this way.
This is not how the script was supposed to be written and in view of his life so far, the main character should have developed resistance to the drugs and be left no choice other than to wait for the virus to overwhelm him and lead to a slow and painful death scene.
That way the suffering would have been an atonement for his sins and he'd be able to move on, knowing that while he was too much of a coward to take his own life, this death would at least guarantee him peace in the afterlife - whatever that is.
So I pretended to be happy for the sake of the people close to me, but I can no longer pretend I'm over the moon about my results and the news that my life has been prolonged, because the only thing that has been prolonged is my personal suffering.
While it may not be visible on the outside, the pain is tearing me apart. There is no stability in my life because of the virus and although I have adapted well to this temporary state of being, normal people need stability, and no one will ever want to share my part-time life with me.
So, far away from my family, because of the need to work and maintain my sanity, I am left to deal with the pain on my own.
As for this movie, it seems to have ended with a cliffhanger, which is fine I suppose, because it leaves room for a sequel.
Hopefully the lead actor will get the ending he deserves in the next instalment.
Forever Positive
Hayden Horner
[email protected]
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